What else can I say?
Hmmm, where to start? Ex is violent and abusive and I have tried every which way to keep access going for the sake of the kids. To cut a long story short, he's gone too far and I'm too far past caring to be having him in my life anymore. I suggested an access center, he says no.
It seems the reason he says no to an access center is because it's what I want - and therefore that's a good and just cause to not do it. I've been called all the names under the sun while trying to assertain whether he would go for the access route as it enables him to build and maintain a relationship with the kids until something else is sorted out.
He has said he's going to 'do one'. Apparently, this means he's going to disappear - oh if only I believed he had the balls!
Of course, this is all my fault. I have made decisions and choices since the split purely to upset him, because I can't get over him. It all makes sense to me now. I didn't run 50 miles away so he couldn't come round the house and beat me up, I did it to piss him off! I haven't tried everything possible at all to allow him to see the kids, because he should simply be allowed to come and get the kids anytime he likes and while he's doing it, he can do and say what the hell he likes to me. I'm just evil. He is of course justified in his behaviour, because he hates me. So I suppose that makes it OK and I just have to learn to live with it. I am being sooo unreasonable.
Of course, even my love life is simply there to annoy him. I'm shagging everyone according to my ever so sane and lovely ex. I've always got men round here, around the kids pretending to be Daddy, and of course I am a crap mum and this has been proven by my daughter falling and breaking her arm.
He has promised that one day, in years to come he is going to find the children. He has decided you see, that it's not worth bothering with them now, it's too much hassle - and that is of course purely and totally my fault. He says that when he does find them he is going to tell them how it is my fault.
I'm shitting myself. I'm dreading the day my kids are in their 20s or 30s and they knock my door to tell me that they hate me. How dare I leave a violent, adulterous husband when he didn't want me to? How dare I flee so far away after he became increasingly aggressive and tried to kill me. How dare I get an injunction out against a man who constantly verbally, emotionally and physically abuses me, using the children as the point of access to enable him to do so. How dare I suggest an access center as a means of allowing them to continue seeing him, I should have known he wouldn't want that at all!
Yep - my kids are going to turn around and tell me that maybe he was unfaithful, maybe he did sexually assault their aunt, maybe he did abuse me, but it was MY decision to leave him, MY fault we're divorced. They'll never forgive me for moving to a place so far away that I didn't feel under threat, no, they will understand that I simply moved to upset their dad because I'm nasty like that. They'll understand totally their father's reasons for walking out of their lives because after all, why should he do something he doesn't want to do?
I'm shitting myself I am.
Anyway, other stuff. This Mr X thing is sort of going nowhere. It's one of those situations where there is more being said by what's not being said. When certain issues are avoided, when a bit of flirting starts and then suddenly stops as we come to our senses and realise what we're doing. I don't know that I've got the balls to say anything, and I don't think he has either. It's friggin barmy though, we obviously like each other, and it's not like nothing has ever happened between us. I think it was the reaction of both of us after the 'incident' that has put the distance there. I'm sure he thinks I'm not interested and although the flirting and hints are there, in big neon flashing lights, I'm convinced that he's not interested. Pretty soon we're going to run out of excuses to make contact so either one of us has to crack, or we'll go our seperate ways. I hope he cracks - I'm not brave enough!
I'm so not loving Big Brother. It's a bit of a slow starter and I've found that I just don't care what happens or how they react. Maybe I've finally grown out of it? I had a proper saddo night last night. I watched the Eurovision and had a bottle of wine, I've not watched it in years - it hasn't improved, lol. Well worth it though for Terry Wogan's commentary.
The weather is getting on my nerves. Where's the sun gone? My lawn needs mowing, I need tanning and I am fed up of having wet hair!
Have son's appointment tomorrow, the one that should have happened last week, except for arsehole's behaviour (which is of course, all my fault). I'm hoping and hoping that in this district we actually get some proper help. Staffordshire were useless, not worth the time of day. I am keeping my fingers crossed that this might be a person who can actually prescribe something to make him sleep. My life would be transformed if he would sleep. It seems that because the meds he needs are not for children, not any old doctor can prescribe them. I have been waiting five years to come across the doctor that can.
As I said - Pah!
