Dating sites. Hmmmm.

I first joined one shortly after I'd told the ex to take a hike. It was a way of me regaining confidence in a safe space and a way of showing him that I didn't care how long he spent refusing to move out - I was not his wife any longer.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding them a total farce. Actually, the sites themselves are OK, the principle is good, they're a lot of fun. It's the men that use them that are the problem.

I have joined a few of them, quite a few. The problem is that I'm not so desperate to forge a relationship that I'll just take anyone, but I suppose that the curiosity in me keeps my options open - you never know Mel Gibson might be browsing the web one day! Generally though, I join, fill in the profile and only return to delete messages or stare open mouthed in horror at the cheek of some men.

I'm 31 years old. I often get messages from much older men. I have no problem with older men at all, in fact I prefer them. But let's not beat around the bush, there are older men and there are older men. 45 is a great age, if they're fit and healthy, attractive and young at heart. 45 is not good if they look like my dad - which too many do. On the other side of the coin I get a lot of messages from boys. 18 years olds, 22 year olds and so on. Flattered? Not at all. For a start, what excuse does a single lad of that age have to be on a dating site? And what on earth can they offer me and my brood of children? Ahhh - I think we know what they're offering. And therein lies the problem.

Regardless of age, I have discovered that there are two types of men who use dating sites.

Type 1 is after a quick shag. His first message will be very much to the point, "HI U U LK GUD WUD U LK 2 CHAT". By time I've deciphered that there is a compliment and the offer that I may be lucky enough to get shagged by the Burberry - wearing tosser grinning inanely at me from the computer, he's more than likely found someone his own age who isn't so fussy and has an understanding of words without vowels. Type 1 is very easily offended and very persistent. If you don't reply, it means you didn't get his message and so he will either message you again with the exact same message - or even better - if there is a personal chat option he'll go for that.

Now, the chat option is a nightmare. Men just do not understand it. You close the box or decline the chat, because you don't want to chat. Stupidly, I once thought that if the chat was declined or the window closed it sort of said enough. Nah - these men wear Burberry, it's not that simple. Evidently, there is a problem with the website, because it's impossible that this woman would not want to speak to them you see. By the fifth time declining the chat, it's just not funny anymore. They still don't get it - I MUST want to speak to them.

Whether there is a chat option or not, you can be sure that Type 1 man will get very frustrated and very cross with you. The options are, send a nice message saying "Thanks but no thanks", send an arsey message saying, "Carry on and I'll report you.", or simply ignore them. All avenues lead to the same outcome (I tend to save my fingers and ignore them knowing this). A message will turn up, showing you how cross and upset they are with you. This though is a good sign, it means they finally got the message, for the more ufortunate Type 1 man, this can take some weeks.

Examples of the messages that are inevitably there just in case you're playing hard to get and spur you into action are as follows:

"Sed nuffin bout bein up yerself in yer profile did it"

"be lik dat den"

And my all time favourite, "NICE. MUST B SUMMAT IN DE WATER"

My all time favourite was from a man, who was in a Burberry cap and was one of the many who seem to miss that I specifically say in all my profiles that I abhor text speak. This guy just wasn't going to get it at all and after 3 months or so, I had to tell him. From the very start, I cringed when I saw a message with his name there. His username is spelled wrong, the poor love seems to have accidently hit the Caps Lock and not been able to find it to turn it off. Over two websites I probably had 12 messages from this bloke, each one saying the exact same thing. I never worked out whether he just doesn't know how to mis-spell anything else or whether he genuinely thought he was such a catch that I wasn't ignoring him. Anyway, I sent a message back saying, "I'm sorry, I haven't answered any of your many emails from this site or the other. I'm not interested - good luck in your search."

Type 2 man is much harder to spot and much more dangerous. He is looking for a wife. Now, as a mother and a grown-up, and having not been the one to screw up my marriage, I sort of tick all the boxes for wife material. He comes across as genuine, he comes across as friendly ("I'm not just after sex - honest!"). These men are not looking for love, they are looking for the wife and hoping that love will happen. They are much more interested in you falling in love with them than they are in falling in love with you. They flatter, they play the game, and if you ever meet them, by the second date they've proposed - apologising for falling in love with you so quickly.

I often point out that it's not a good idea to declare undying love or propose marriage until they've seen me lose my temper, or dealt with me when I have PMT, or had to sit embarrassed when I'm drunk - at the very least! The best ones are the dads who think I'll make a wonderful step-mother to their kids, while they do everything in their power to avoid mine. Those without kids start to get lovely fluffy-vision about being daddy to my kids, forgetting that they have a dad. I'm looking for a man for me, not for my kids!

Type 2 man is very clever and very devious. He has a copy/paste message that he sends to everyone who doesn't look dog-rough. You can tell the copy and paste jobs, they are about 3 pages long, no spelling mistakes or typos and the language is very well thought out. If you hold on long enough, you can be sure he'll slip up and send it you again, at which point it's only fair to reply and tell him you enjoyed it first time, to receive it twice is too generous! Type 2 man gets a bit carried away with the future at times. Rather than tell you about himself, he tells you about his kids, his cousins and his mother's next-door neighbour, not forgetting to mention how much they're all going to love you. He will begin to plan summer holidays, the concept of "Shall we see how it goes?" has momentarily left planet earth. The signs are always there with Type 2 man, you just have to watch for them.

Type 1 and Type 2 men though both share something common. They believe that a single mother using an internet dating site is desperate. They treat you like the fool, they can't understand why you would turn them down when they're offering to take you on. It doesn't occur to them that many of us would rather sleep alone than with the wrong man, nor does it occur that we're not exactly looking for it, just seeing if it's out there. Like many single women on the net, I'm neither lonely nor frustrated. I don't pine to have a man in my life, I'm more than happy on my own. Finding love is simply a natural need - but not an overpowering one.